Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Cool as Ice (Vanilla Ice)

I still like to think of myself as cool, but then I find myself having the following conversation: “NICE LAWN!! What is that? Fescue?” “No, it’s St Augustine. Fescue is more of a blue-green.” You know what I’m talking about? No? You might not have graduated to the level that I have, but you’re on your way if you’ve ever said any of the following before 10pm: “Just one more beer, then I HAVE to go. I’ve got too much to do tomorrow” or “Got a meeting in the morning”, or “I gotta call my wife to let her know I might be a little late”, or anything remotely resembling any of these. We like to think that we’re still super cool, that we’re just re-evaluating what cool is. NEWS FLASH: Cool re-evaluates itself every 3-6 months, that’s why designers come out with their new lines. If you’re still wearing two seasons ago because you’re not going to “waste your money on the latest trend”, then you are not cool. A cool person wouldn’t “waste” his money either. He’d “invest” in his coolness. I actually go to Target for some things that I won’t buy at the grocery store and vise-versa. WHY? A cool person would consider that a waste of time. I consider it an attempt to save money for my kids’ future education (incidentally, my kids ARE cool). When I managed a gym back in the day, a 40-something white guy wearing headphones was on a stair-climber. I remember he was ½ stepping, ½ dancing, and kinda hum-singing ‘100% PURE LOVE’ by Crystal Waters. Since at the time I was cool, I asked him, in no uncertain terms, what he thought he was doing. He told me, “KISS FM, man! Crystal Waters! This station keeps me young! You know cool, hip. Gotta keep up with the trends!” I wanted to be like, “86 THE HEADBAND AND GET LONGER SHORTS!!! AFTER THAT, MAYBE, WE CAN DISCUSS YOU ‘KEEPING UP’!!!” That, however, would be “losing one’s cool”. Instead I was just like, “Whatever.” Back to my point… I guess what I’m saying is that I can’t pinpoint when I began losing some of my cool (oh I’ve still got plenty), but I’m cool with that. I just don’t want to be that guy trying to regain the cool that I’ve lost. That’s not the point either. I don’t want to be seen with that person. That’s my point. I’ll not tolerate my friends trying to recapture their lost cool (which, by the way, is scientifically not possible). So if you’ve lost cool, accept it and adjust. If you try to regain the cool, you will be warned only once per charge. If you do not adjust in a timely manner, there will be no second warning, you will be fired as a friend. I know it sounds harsh, but we have to look out for each other. We are only as cool as the dorkiest person we hang with (is it cool to say that? “dorkiest” / ”hang with”?) Stay cool! (or “Stay Krunk”, which as I understand it is the new,cool, all-purpose word for “cool”).


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crunk. Anyone who knows crunk knows it is spelled with a "c". You just gave yourself away, fool. There's your warning.

your loving wife

8:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cool? umm when the hell were you ever cool? Was it when you were walking around with a triple-sec bottle and tequilla bottle as if they were your first newborns? or when you made a poster of a certain high school heartthrob that you would kiss everytime you saw it? I need to be shown these examples of cool because I think that I missed them. I truley think you are a guy looking in at someone who is cool, only wishing you were that person.....wasn't that you on the stair-stepper telling me the short shorts are coming back. Something like "Larry Bird..holla"

2:55 AM  
Blogger Mikol said...

1st of all, you can't have 2 'first newborns'. Even w/ twins there's only 1 FIRST NEWBORN. Secondly, that was a party of 75-100 people. When at age 19, attending a party with that many people, commandeering 2 bottles of liquor... I was the shizzle. People were like, "That guy has 2 bottles of liquor, and all I got is bottle of Bud-Lite". That, my friend, is power. Yup... Men wanted to be me, women wanted to... well... you know. I CHOSE not to get laid at that party. It had nothing to do with me being a stumbling drunk. Thirdly... There was no such poster that I used to kiss or do anything else with. Just try to prove it! OK... don't try to prove anything. In fact, any incriminating evidence anyone has (not that such evidence exists) just go ahead and burn it. THAT would be super crunk!!!

8:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I realized I was no longer cool when my husband and I were at Home Depot looking at Rain Gauges. We were not only looking at them...we were comparing them and trying to find the very best one. At some point during that time....all of the coolness that I had was gone. I no longer had the "RIGHT STUFF" (NKOTB RULES). I am not sure when I became so interested in how much rain we were getting and why I needed to know the exact amount. Since we have purchased one, I find myself telling most everyone "how much it rained last night". Losing your "coolness" is sad, but it happens sooner or later we all have to face it. By the way, I am pretty sure that "Shizzle, Nizzle and fizzle"..are no longer cool anymore so you should probably delete that from your vocabulary as well.

7:36 PM  

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